Every parent and caregiver is doing their very best, without a doubt. And there are good intentions behind the active role parents play at the dinner table with their kids. A significant struggle for parents, other than bedtime routines (and in my case potty training), has to do with meal-time.
There's so much involved in getting food together for the whole family. And after all this work, sometimes there are critics at the table. Not only that- but having young children at the table is stressful. Things get spilled. Little people are whining or crying for some reason. And just because you're sitting down with food in front of you, it's not always the most relaxing place to eat. I admit, my biggest problem is getting to the part when we eat, and I glance over at my kiddo appears disinterested and has decided not to eat anything. When this happens, what is a parent supposed to do? Usually this is the part where, we as caregivers, make misguided pressure tactics to encourage eating. And before you decide you don't use these techniques, check out the list below of pressuring tactics that many people use without even realizing they're subscribing to pressure.
Why do parents pressure eating? There's a lot of worry about eating, eating healthy and growing. Adults have already experienced this pressure maybe from their own parents growing up. Other parents do it too. Maybe this is a lack of support coupled with poor advice, even from your doctor. Not to mention, most adults in our culture don't trust themselves and their own eating.
Sometimes pressure works but only in the short-term. Pressure undermines the trust relationship between you and your child. Ultimately, pressuring strategies create feeding problems and picky eaters.
Let's dive into the problem of pressuring kids, what it looks like and what we can do instead to help kids eat autonomously. These pressure and persuasion methods may surprise you as you may find yourself using these methods. These statements are from the Ellyn Satter Institute and her research on childhood feeding dynamics.
Identifying what pressure looks like.
Ellyn Satter Says:
"Pressure can seem positive: Praising, reminding, bribing, rewarding, applauding, playing games, talking about nutrition, giving stickers, going on and on about how great the food is, making special food, serving vegetables first, making food fun (to get the child to eat, not just to have fun)."
"Pressure can be negative: Restricting amounts or types of food, coaxing, punishing, shaming, criticizing, begging, withholding dessert, treats, or fun activities, physically forcing, threatening."
"Pressure can seem like good parenting: Insisting on “no thank you” bites, encouraging or reminding the child to eat, taste, smell or lick, making her eat her vegetables, warning her that she will be hungry, making special food, keeping after her to use her silverware or napkin, hiding vegetables in other foods, letting her eat whenever she wants to between meals."
Catching yourself when pressure is used.
You know it is pressure if your intention is based on what you want for your child versus what the child wants. Ask yourself is your intention to get your child to eat more, less or different food than they would on their own? If this is so- this is considered pressure. Putting food into the body is a personal experience and people, including infants and kids, require trust to eat. It's important that kids know that we trust they can feed themselves and that they trust their own eating decisions, hunger, fullness and tastes.
Let's relate to our kids.
What food do you not like? If you don't like oysters, for instance, and they are on the table at every meal- what happens to our appetite just seeing them at the table?
What if you were required to eat a bite before eating the foods you really want? Or, what if you were required to finish it in order to leave the table?
If you came to every meal with someone directing how and what you will eat, mealtimes would quickly become a source of anxiety.
Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility.
Children have natural ability with eating. They eat as much as they need, they grow in the way that is right for them, and they learn to eat the food their parents eat. They build on their natural ability and become eating competent. Parents let them learn and grow with eating when they follow the Division of Responsibility in Feeding.
Infants, children, and adolescents decide which foods they eat, if they eat and how much to eat.
Parents and caregivers have the responsibility of deciding what is served, when it is served and where these meals and snacks take place.
This is like a 2-way street. If you cross lanes- it's a real disaster! Children have their own lane as parents have theirs'. That means parents should not cross into the child's lane of whether children eat or how much they eat. And vice versa- children are not meant to decide what foods are prepared, when or where eating takes place. That doesn't mean you can't include children in the meal planning process, but kids won't be the decision maker of what is served at family meals. As the parent is the meal planner, it's still important to offer foods that your kids will like to eat or basic foods that they can default to in every meal to allow them to participate in even the more challenging meals.
Check out this post on Feeding Kids without Pressure: Staying in your lane for some strategies to help reduce anxiety for both you, the parent, and for your kids. These are guidelines from the Ellyn Satter Institute on childhood feeding. You can find more information on her website.
I hope this gives you encouragement and permission to let your kids explore with eating. This method using the Division of Responsibility could be considered a relief for parents with helpful boundaries and positive discipline feeding model that gives kids the steering wheel with eating and growing! 1 Ellyn Satter (2000). Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense. Revised and Updated Edition. Pg 31, 33, 58, 86, 390-393.
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