Why do parents pressure eating? There's a lot of worry about eating, eating healthy and growing. Adults have already experienced this pressure maybe from their own parents growing up. Other parents do it too. Maybe this is a lack of support coupled with poor advice, even from your doctor. Not to mention, most adults in our culture don't trust themselves and their own eating.
Sometimes pressure works but only in the short-term. Pressure undermines the trust relationship between you and your child. Ultimately, pressuring strategies create feeding problems and picky eaters.
Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility.
Children have natural ability with eating. They eat as much as they need, they grow in the way that is right for them, and they learn to eat the food their parents eat. They build on their natural ability and become eating competent. Parents let them learn and grow with eating when they follow the Division of Responsibility in Feeding.
Infants, children, and adolescents decide which foods they eat, if they eat and how much to eat.
Parents and caregivers have the responsibility of deciding what is served, when it is served and where these meals and snacks take place.
This is like a 2-way street. If you cross lanes- it's a real disaster! Children have their own lane as parents have theirs'. That means parents should not cross into the child's lane of whether children eat or how much they eat. And vice versa- children are not meant to decide what foods are prepared, when or where eating takes place. That doesn't mean you can't include children in the meal planning process, but kids won't be the decision maker of what is served at family meals. As the parent is the meal planner, it's still important to offer foods that your kids will like to eat or basic foods that they can default to in every meal to allow them to participate in even the more challenging meals.
Eating Family-Style can help. Switching from a pre-plated serving method to a family style meal where foods are separated and placed on the table so that kids can serve themselves or at least choose what goes on their plate and how much in order to support their autonomy.
Keep favorite foods close by at meals. Making sure there are always foods that are liked at the meals is essential. It has to be OK if kiddos decide to only eat the fruit, milk or bread at the meal. Your only responsibility in this is offering these 2-3 options at meals so they have choices.
The feeding flaws...If you use pressure, whether it's positive or negative, this is the first problem to address. Pressuring at the table is a crucial problem and when in doubt refer to the Division of Responsibility. Your only job is to get food on the table, set predictable times for meals and decide where meals will take place. Your child will decide which foods they will eat, whether they eat or not and how much they eat.
Just like pressure, talking about food and what your kids like and dislike isn't helpful. These conversations can end up putting your child in the spotlight focusing on how they eat or what they eat and end up sounding belittling.
Be aware of how much grazing and snacking is really happening throughout the day and before meals. Kids without any appetite won't be too excited to sit down for a big meal. Kids will arrive at the table willing to eat and enjoy their food when they are hungry. Obviously, no one should be famished or starving before meals and this is when snacks can be regularly put into place before meals. Overall, if you can take actions to move away from grazing- making sit-down snacks and regular meals happen and refuse foods and drinks (other than water) outside of meals and snacks, eating times can be more successful and functional.
Another feeding flaw is defaulting to the limited menu of accepted foods. It's great to have days where you serve foods that are the kid's favorites. But defaulting to these foods at every meal doesn't give kids training to stretch their food acceptability and challenge them to be flexible with what is offered. This includes short-order cooking special meals that are different from what the rest of the family will eat. You can still achieve meals that are considerate to kids without catering to individual children with the side dishes mentioned above that are well accepted.
Take the focus off your kids at the table. Unless your kids are fighting with each other at the table, let some manners go. Letting go of correcting will give kids the space they need to make food decisions. See if you can challenge the reflex to say no and adjust your response. (See my blog on Smart Phrases for ideas.)
The focus of meals can be based on your connection with the people at the table. Staying connected with your child is more important than the meal itself.
I personally love the idea of prioritizing connection and sharing time with my family at the table. The Division of Responsibility philosophy helps guide me in feeding my family and planning meals. It also helps my child get enough to eat, feel confident and independent, which is all I want for him!
I hope this gives you encouragement and permission to let your kids explore with eating. This method using the Division of Responsibility could be considered a relief for parents with helpful boundaries and positive discipline feeding model that gives kids the steering wheel with eating and growing!
1 Ellyn Satter (2000). Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense. Revised and Updated Edition. Pg 31, 33, 58, 86, 390-393.
Comments